What is sex?
by Overripe
Summary: "What is sex?" Is the question everyone fears the most; and when Alice gets curious for the answer, she asks everyone in the Rainsworth Mansion what this so called 'sex' is. /slightcrack


**Hey guys, Another Pandora one-shot. :) This idea came to me when I was thinking "What kind of stuff has alice never learned, being in the abyss and locked up all her previous life." Such as parents and of course, SEX. There is no sex in this story, sorry to disapoint you. :))**

I do not own Pandora Hearts

* * *

"What's this?" Alice asked with mild curiosity, pointing at a very detailed picture in one of Sharon's many novels. Sharon turned around, her big sister smile on her youthful face.

"What is what my little Alice?" She cooed, regally stepping over a pile of romance novels to get to Alice.

"This!" Alice said, growing impatient. She pointed at a picture, black and white of two lover intertwined in-

Sharon slammed the book shut, looking extremely flustered. "Uh-uh,A-Alice, dear…Sharon Onii is a big girl, 23 technically, so it is p-perfectly okay for ADULTS to own his type of thing!" She stammered shoving the book at random back on the shelf.

"The word said sex….what is sex?" Alice asked innocently, having not a clue in the world what it was. Being trapped in the abyss for so long, then before being trapped in a tower…she never learned the basics…about parents, about love, about human nature, about sex….none of it had she ever been taught.

Sharon's face grew extremely red, it almost seemed as if steam was billowing out her ears. Her hands shook. "Alice…how about you go ask someone…who…who knows how to deal with this situation."

Sharon distinctly remembered when she had turned 7, Break had ruined her birthday party by telling the whole group of kids about what sex was, and herself, crying and running to her mommy who reprimanded Break with great force. Ah, the good 'ol days.

Alice looked disgruntled as Sharon quickly ran away, her heels clicking as she slipped out of sight. Alice looked down at her gloved hands and thought._' Well, Seaweed head looks like he has some smart in that big head of his.' _Alice, grumbling to herself, stomped out of the Riensworths's library and into one of the many halls.

After a few minutes of wandering, she concluded she was indeed, lost. After kicking a few walls, she came across a very tall dresser, placed randomly in the middle of the hall way, one of the doors was ajar. Intrigued, she walked closer. Alice opened the door slowly; curling her fingers around the gilded handle she tugged it open, and then screamed.

"What the shit?" Alice hissed Alice falling over on her bottom, as clown-face, A.K.A Break, stepped out of the dresser, blowing his hair out of his face, and chewing on a lollipop. Alice's heart rate slowed, he'd given her quite a scare, but she'd never admit that.

"Alice-kun, not such language, you are a lady!" Break mocked. "Also, ladies do not sit like that, it is very improper." He said looking down at her.

For Alice was wearing her usual skirt, and it was indeed short; he blushed and slammed her hand in between her legs, refusing to give him the satisfaction that she headed his words, but at the same time, assuring no one saw things that did not need to be seen."Say, clown-face." She said, remember why she was wandering around. "I have a question." Alice said forcibly.

"And what may it be, little rabbit?" Break asked, squatting down next to Alice, and shoving the lollipop back in his moth, opening his mouth unnecessarily wide before doing so.

"What is sex?" Alice asked innocently. Break just gaped, his candy falling out of his mouth.

"How should I put this…ano….It is when a man and a women love each other very muc-"

"Love? What's love?" Alice interrupted. Break sighed and got up, picking up his lollipop and retreating into the wardrobe.

"Ask Gilbert-kun, he knows many things." Break smiled mysteriously and closed the doors to the dresser. Alice got up and ran to the dresser, throwing the doors open, but he was gone. WTF?

* * *

After this, Alice continued down the hall until she came upon a set of double door that looked promising. She went through, looking around. It was the dining room, and Oz and Gilbert were sitting amongst a few Pandora employees.

"Oh, Alice!" Oz said, happily. "Alice, we were about to find you, they have meat!" he greeted ecstatically. But not even meat could stop her curiosity now. Sharon and even Break wouldn't tell her what this _sex_ was! She needed to know, even if it killed her!

Alice marched up to Gilbert, completely ignoring her puppy-like manservant. "Sea weed head!" She announced to the room at large. "Sharon and Break won't tell me, so I command YOU, servant of my servant, to TELL me what sex is!" The room went utterly silent.

Gil began choking on his food, spluttering, and his eyes wide. Oz hit his back repeatedly until he began gasping freely. "How d-do you expect me to answer that!" He shouted, his voice raising 2 octaves.

Alice's eye bulged, it was Alice tantrum time. "Raven! Pleaaaassssse! Nobody will tell me and…AND I REALLY want to know! It is eating me ALIVE!" She said, so frustrated she stomped her feet and pleaded.

All of the Pandora agents muttered to one another, before, one by one, silently slipping out before things got messy.

Gilbert gaped. "I guess…I could tell you, stupid rabbit." He muttered, his mind racing, what he would say! He was 24, and sadly...even though it hurt him inside to admit it, he was still a virgin. All he'd focused on in the past 10 years was _'save oz, save Oz, SAVE OZ!' _

Oz, on the other hand, had been taught sexual education frequently by his crazy Uncle Oscar. Oz, feeling suddenly like Oscar was near by, pulled out a cigarette from seemingly no where and shoved it into Gil's open mouth.

Suddenly, the doors opened and Liam stepped inside. "What's the problem?" He said, looking concerned. From Oz's anxious expression, to Gil's cigarette in his mouth, then to Alice, looking boiling angry. "You!" Alice shouted, turning her attention to Liam. "Tell me what sex is! Nobody will tell me!"

Liam was shocked for a second, but recovered, pushing his glasses up the brim of his nose. "Well, if you really want to know, please come over here, Miss Alice." He said, with a fatherly air surrounding him.

Alice looked delighted and skipped over to Liam, who bent over and whispered for about a minute straight into Alice's ear, making crude hand gestured to demonstrate. The transformation of her face was actually quite comical.

Oz and Gil watched as Alice's face went from relief and curiosity, to confusion, then to revulsion, then to finally, a nauseated look. Liam stepped back, smiling slightly. "That is how babies are born." He finished aloud, then walked out of the room.

Alice stood there for a minute, her back turned to them, then her shoulders began to shake. Evil laughter sounded through the hall, Alice cackling, she found a chair to put her leg up on and turned to point and the two of them, who cowered in fear.

"If that is what sex is,isn't that what were you two doing last night?"

_**/Fin**_


End file.
